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Sunday, January 8, 2012

"Lesson Learned"

In a recent conversation with one of  close friends and a very interesting topics arose...."How do you know when a woman has cut those emotional ties with a partner? Why do we continue to be the fool for the love? How long does it take to truly mend a broken heart? Does time really heal all wounds? " These topics really struck a cord with me. Especially since I recently realized that after 4 long years I am FINALLY truly over my last relationship. This is a very sensitive subject for me but in order to truly be free I have to be willing to talk about it without feeling any emotion from it.

Everyone wants to find that ultimate soul mate.....that one you can't live you without. Well I actually found that but as fate may have it the timing of it all just wasn't in the cards for us. In all honesty I have come to realize that it was destined to fail from the beginning simply because neither of us weren't completely honest with each other. And in all I have to take the blame for the start of this. See at that I was thinking by not telling him about a part of my past then he would not be able to have any nonjudgmental thoughts about me. Boy did I find out later down the road how wrong that was. 

We started out as great friends that quickly became even greater lovers. I thought I knew everything about him and he thought he knew everything about me. Little did we know that the other was still holding back so much. But of course instead of talking about my insecurities with the relationship I decided to keep them to myself and keep going as if everything was peachy perfect!  That was and has been one of biggest faults......NOT SPEAKING UP! Of course as humans we tend to not want to face the negative. Just sweep it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist...just hoping and thinking somehow it will just all disappear. I could see and feel us growing a part. So as we women so often do I started to blame myself. I tried to be there at every and beck and call for him. I tried to "open up" more by showing more of a softer side. But in actually I was making it to easy for him. No man wants something that he doesn't have to work for. And at that time I was too blind and too naive to realize to that. Which undoubtedly opened the door for him to cheat on me with the woman who was "a challenge" for him. 

Finally realizing that I had lost the one man that I had ever loved so deep hurt me to my core. It left me feeling as if I would never be able to love like that again. And as foolish as I was I thought if I ever got a 2nd chance I was going to do all I could to make sure THAT MAN WAS MINE! And as luck of the draw would have it.....he came back but under very different circumstances. I allowed myself to be "the other woman." Now we as women look at the "other woman" as a low down,scandalous,class less.....HOE! And truthfully that's exactly the role I was playing by being that "other woman." When I knew that was NOT the woman I was. But when you are so blinded by what you THINK you want and not what GOD WANTS FOR YOU you seem to put yourself in those type of situations A LOT! And Lord knows I put myself in them over and over and OVER trying to keep somebody that clearly did not want to be kept.....well at least not by me. I was so in denial that I didn't realize I was losing so much of who I was by chasing after this man. But its hard to get out of that mindset when he was telling me all of the things that I  want to hear from a man I'm in love with and knows he loves her just as much.  See even though he had a woman at home there was still this deep rooted connection we had to each other. Whenever we were around each other it was if this magnetic force drew into each other. Not just sexually but we were as one. We moved as one...we thought as one.....we just made each other feel complete. This time around things seemed to be so much easier. We were completely open and honest. He truly became my best friend and I became his. As much as time as we spent together or on the phone it was almost as if he "she" wasn't even in the picture. I began to believe that my one true love was coming back to me just as I had imagined he would. From childhood we are sold on this fairy tale that if we find our prince charming we will undoubtedly end up living "happily ever after." I too was victim of living in this fantasy world. Walking on clouds...thinking that just by holding on a lil bit longer somehow love will swoop in and conquer all. YEAH RIGHT! Don't get me wrong he loved me. Boy did he love me. But we were too naive or too just too foolish to realize we were going about it in the wrong way. 

Once again going against my better judgment I agreed to fly off to Las Vegas with him for what was supposed to be a time for us to spend some one on one time together but turned out to be a Bachelor weekend for a mutual friend. After spending the first day locked away in my hotel room waiting for even a glimpse of him I was starting to realize that this was not about us at all. I was merely playing the role as the "vacation booty call." I finally demanded some time alone and to my surprise he had to sneak away to meet me. If this didn't raise a red flag what happened next surely did. I finally came out and asked him why I was really here and to give me an explanation. To my complete surprise on that Las Vegas strip at 3 a.m and he told me that he was planning on getting engaged and brought me here for one last hoorah before he went back home to move in and propose to his girlfriend. In an instant my heart sank. How could I be so stupid? So blind? But most of all how can you say you love someone and treat them they way that he had been treating me. Tears rushing...heart racing...panic attack happening I get to my room and just fall to the floor in agony. And of course right on cue he walks through the door and starts apologizing as he always does. What do I do....I fall for it yet again even though just moments before he told me he was getting engaged. In the midst of my tears and his apology we ended up making love in a way that you only see on the movies. So much passion to where he cried and I cried....but at the end I was not expecting him to say "This is it Ebony. I love you but I love her and I can't do this to her anymore...." As I saw him walk out that door I felt a pain in my soul that I had never felt before. I could literally hear my heart break into a million pieces.

By hitting rock bottom emotionally and spiritually that night it allowed me to see just how foolish I had been. How can such an educated woman allow herself to be made such a fool of? But what I had been blaming him for I should have been blaming myself. You see it took all of that for me to truly realize that "No one can put you in a situation like that if you don't allow them to." Everything he did was because he knew I would allow it. See I was not respecting myself therefore how was I ever suppose to think he would. We put ourselves in compromising positions because we try so hard to please other people. But losing who you are...losing your core values only hurts you in the end. It's only now that I am realizing that just because you may love someone with all your heart it does not mean you give up yourself to be with them or make them happy. The love that you feel should be reciprocated. And I've come to know understand that kind of deep,unconditional,soul stirring love is real. And now I know how to handle whenever it comes back into my life. Time has healed my wounds and time has allowed me to be able to grow & learn from my past mistakes. So many people go their whole lives without experiencing the type of love that I many search for that love and I was blessed enough to feel live it! And now that I have learned from it I am even more ready to receive it and reciprocate in the right way.....