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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

"Independent Woman"

Hello my luvs!!! Let me start by saying thanks again for all the views on my last post. The #s were AWESOME! I was truly blessed being able to finally get that out and be free of it all once and for all. I have been debating on what to write about next, and finally after a conversation with a very close friend of mine the spark was lit......

We as women often wear many different hats....mother...employee....chef...taxi driver....maid....plus countless others. I know for me being a single mom working up to 50 hours a week(sometimes more), and not to mention also a full-time student I often find it hard to juggle all of my responsibilities. Then you mix in trying to maintain a healthy dating life its darn near impossible to do all of those things without something suffering. For years I always apologized for being so goal and career driven. In all honesty I can say now that most of my serious relationships suffered because I was unsure on how to balance my crazy work life with my personal life. But we as women aren't really taught how to do that. What is the #1 thing that most African American mother's tell their daughters...."Make sure you NEVER get yourself in a place where you have to depend on a man to support you." I know my mother always told me if you want something in life then you work hard so that you can afford to get it yourself. Yet this "Independent Woman" mindset that has been handed down seems to have helped us become stronger women yet it has kept many of us (ESPECIALLY MYSELF) from being able to really open up and actually allow a man to do the things and be the man that God has already destined him to be. Now don't get me wrong I am so thankful for my mother instilling the drive that she did in me because if she hadn't I truly do not know where I would be today. That drive is what got enabled me to pick myself up after being left 6 months pregnant by my daughter's father to raise our child on my own. Not knowing how or what I was going to do. Feeling as if I was lost and hopeless without him to help me. But that drive is what gave me the strength to work and work to make sure my child was fed....clothed...had a roof over her head, and any/everything she could ever want. In today's society many take the easy way out and just let the government take care them. But I refused to allow myself to be a statistic. I made a way out of no way, and I haven't looked back since. While working so hard nurturing the many hats and obligations I had I failed to realize that my one track mindset had been taking its toll on all of my personal relationships. 

I pride myself on being upfront with anyone that I start dating on how limited my time is, and how I have I'm swaying from my priorities. At first things are good and the seeing each other every now and then is okay, but once the feelings really start to form that is when the issue of "when are you going to have time to see me" arises. With no hesitation my first instinct is I will fit you in when I can fit you in. But of course that will only suffice for so long. Eventually the relationship fades and I go back to square to 1....ME, MYSELF, & I! Then that good ole "Independent Woman" mentality would kick in and I attempt to justify my actions by telling myself as I can not allow myself to get in a vulnerable position with anyone again. 

As the years have went on I realized that most of the problem wasn't with the men who were trying to be with me but it was within me. See I failed to understand and see the bigger picture. Every time I made excuses of why I didn't have time to spend with my someone I was in reality fighting an internal issues. I had never realized how hurt I was when my daughter's father left the way he did. I didn't realize the HUGE wall that went up inside of me. I masked it by convincing myself that it was okay for me not to have a love life and if someone couldn't understand and respect my priorities then I didn't them. Believing that I didn't need anyone because I had my own and was perfectly content being a "INDEPENDENT WOMAN!" That was inevitably the WRONG concept. How could I ever expect anyone to understand and be there for me if I never truly gave them the opportunity to. It turned out that I really didn't know how to let someone in and give them that time and dedication it took to truly make a relationship work. All in all, as I have grown spiritually I realize that I have been my own worst enemy when it came to past relationships. Its okay to work hard and have your own, but it is also okay to make sure you make the time for those who make time for you.......