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Sunday, January 29, 2012

"It's not you....IT'S ME"

I have a feeling this post may not go over well with some people but oh well it was placed on my heart to write it so..........

 "It's not you it's me!" That statement has been uttered by so many, myself included. Lets be honest here that phrase is yet another excuse to get out of a situation that you should have known better than to get in in the first place! 

So many women always yapping about how we want a good man, but how many good men have you actually let slip through your fingers? Have you ever considered what you may be putting out is what you are receiving? A close friend of mine and I were talking about a guy she had been "kicking" it with for over a year. She was frustrated because she really wanted to be in a committed relationship with guy but he kept giving her the "I'm just not ready for that" excuse over and over again. He finally broke it off with her and of course used the same old excuse, "It's not you It's me."

 My advice to her directly hit home with  me. "Why would any guy want to commit to you if he has been getting everything he wanted from you without the commitment?" It was as if I wanted to slap myself in the face right after I said it. Just as I was thinking she is dumb for continuing to deal with this guy while I was doing the exact same thing. The difference is I was too foolish to realize it. How is it I was expecting to find what I have been praying for if I wasn't living my life in the manner to receive it. I giving my all to someone who wasn't willing to reciprocate their all back. Too many times we as women go into situations trying to show our partners our affection by giving so much of ourselves without demanding anything in return. But how can a man respect you if you are not respecting the gifts that God has given. No one wants anything that is just handed to them in this world....well no one worth being with that is. I find myself on the giving end in relationships too often. I am giving my love,my time, my money,my heart, my body.....all these things I am constantly giving to those who in actuality do not deserve it. The biggest thing I had to understand was by giving myself so easily I was only hurting myself in the end.

Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD." I had to ask myself.."Do I possess those qualities to make me a godly woman/wife? And am I living my life by those qualities?" By looking deep into my heart and soul I could honestly say yes to my first question, but sadly I had to say no to my second question. It is one thing to posses certain qualities needed to be that Godly woman, but what man will actually make you his godly wife if your life does not directly reflect those qualities that you possess? I had to break down and learn what it meant to be a Godly woman.....

A Godly woman is just that GODLY! Godliness begins with a proper relationship with God. A godly wife is, first and foremost, a woman who fears God.  Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised." As often as I would speak about God and how he is the head of my life I wasn't actually living my life by those words. 

A Godly woman is wise. "The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1)." For so long I was being that foolish woman by living my life by MY rules, and not by the word of God. Dating men and giving myself to them sexually when in my heart I knew that the relationships were not going to last simply because they were founded and based upon a spirit of lust. 

A Godly woman is gracious. One reason honor is given the godly woman is that she is known for her graciousness.  "The ungodly woman is spoken of in very unbecoming terms. She is vexing, due to her contentious nature.....It is better to live in a desert land, Than with a contentious and vexing woman (Proverbs 21:19)." I was steadily attracting ungodly men because I was putting out ungodly behavior. 

A Godly woman is faithful to herself and to her walk with God. A godly woman is one who maintains sexual purity. She is a woman who is virtuous or excellent. By examining my life I understand that the qualities and traits that I possess were not the traits and qualities that I was showing the world. Nor were they the qualities that I had been looking for in a man. It turns out that the men I was pursuing,attracting and giving my time to were simply a reflection of myself. None of them portrayed the Godly man image behind closed doors as they so eloquently did in the public eye. And neither did I.  

For someone to be able to quote the bible front to back....constantly giving God his praise and asking him to bless me with someone I could share my life with I was continually spitting in God's face by living the life that I was living. No wonder things turned out the way they did. Because at the end of the day it wasn't them....IT WAS ME who needed to change. 

Thank You,,,,,

First I would like to say how amazed I am at how many people that have viewed my blog! This truly does touch my heart in such a special way. I have gone so long wondering and praying about what it is that God has placed me on this earth to do. It all seemed to come together as soon as I started this blog on January 4, 2012. I struggled at first with ideas on things to write about. But once that first piece was posted it was as if ideas and inspirations began to fall right into my lap. Somehow divine intervention stepped in and the words began flowing ever so eloquently and smoothly. I finally realized this was not just a hobby for me anymore. No it is so much bigger than that. I see that the things that I have gone through and grown from are all things that I am able to share to the world. By using my life lessons I pray that I am able to help others who may have been dealing with similar situations find their own voice on the matter. God has given me that voice to share with the world. This was suppose to be a way for me to use as a growing tool, but I am truly blessed that it has grown into something so much bigger than that. I will continue to give you all my honest,deepest,darkest truth about myself in hopes that I may touch even one person with my words and life lessons. 
So I once again I thank all of you that have taken time out of your lives to view my posts. And I will continue to allow God to use me and my life to continue to be

Sunday, January 22, 2012

'"Just because you think it....DOESN'T mean you speak it"

We all know how the old saying goes "Speak No Evil....Hear No Evil....See No Evil." But my question is how many of us actually apply this to our everyday lives? As kids our parents teach us "Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can never hurt us!" YEAH...right! That has to be the farthest thing from the truth.

As kids we've all experienced some form of bullying one way or another. I know I would do as my parents have taught me and just shrug it off because people can be mean, and I know all those things about me aren't true. But did I really know those things weren't true or was I just going through the motions to please my parents? Over the years I have come to see that it isn't the things other people say about me or may call me that hurts me. It's the things that I say to myself that do the most damage. See subconsciously hearing all types of negative comments growing up from my peers and even my own family truly left an imprint on my psyche. Its crazy because as much confidence as I have gained in myself throughout the years I had failed to realize just how often I down talk myself to myself.

This past Friday I woke up in the greatest of moods. I was truly filled with so much joy and just full of the spirit. I went into work with a smile on my face and an extra pep in my step determined to make this a truly "Fabulous Friday!" One of my best friends and I started our usual daily conversation with our good morning pleasantries and inspirations. As our conversation went on I began to express my new found admiration for a mutual acquaintance of ours. I went on to tell her how I was so intrigued with his spirituality,motivation,and just his overall abundance of positivity that he displays day in & day out. Just as soon as she expressed her words of encouragement and agreement about this gentleman I immediately responded with "But I know he is out of my league!" And within an instant my entire mood,demeanor,and thought process began to change. I mentally started to pick myself a part and list off the reasons why a man like that could never be interested in a woman like me. Little by little I felt all of that joy and excitement I just had start to dwindle away. Just before I was completely engulfed in my own "pity party" my messages went off and my best friend said, "Hey DON'T you down yourself like that. You are just as worthy of a man like that as the next chick is!" And within that instant it finally hit me......I have been self sabotaging my own growth by allowing such thoughts to not only enter my head or write them, but actually uttering those words aloud to myself. I understood the power of words, but I underestimated the power of MY WORDS.

Any written or spoken words can lift us up, drag us down, wound us deeply or heal our hearts. Every time I would allow that feeling of self doubt to creep in and take over me mentally I was giving my words the power to break my confidence. My words can make or break me at any given moment. I had to take a step back and ask myself..."Ebony, what have you been saying lately? Are you encouraging or discouraging yourself? Or are you causing the destruction of your self-esteem by speaking ill suited words over yourself, your health your prosperity, and self worth?" By asking myself these simple questions it became evident to me that I didn't need any outside enemies because I was my own worst enemy from within. As much a I am perceived to be overly confident from the outside looking in I am in fact the exact opposite. I would look in the mirror and constantly nit pick and criticize each and ever flaw that I saw instead of seeing the beautiful,strong,black woman that God had made in his own image.

As I have began to grow spiritually I go to the best source for GREAT advice....THE BIBLE! Two of my favorite points of reference comes from Ephesians 4:29 & Proverbs 18:21) :
         "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.(Ephesians 4:29"
          “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).

Every day we are shaping reality for ourselves, as well as, others by the words that we use. The choice is ours. Ask yourself.....What impact will my words have?

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

"Independent Woman"

Hello my luvs!!! Let me start by saying thanks again for all the views on my last post. The #s were AWESOME! I was truly blessed being able to finally get that out and be free of it all once and for all. I have been debating on what to write about next, and finally after a conversation with a very close friend of mine the spark was lit......

We as women often wear many different countless others. I know for me being a single mom working up to 50 hours a week(sometimes more), and not to mention also a full-time student I often find it hard to juggle all of my responsibilities. Then you mix in trying to maintain a healthy dating life its darn near impossible to do all of those things without something suffering. For years I always apologized for being so goal and career driven. In all honesty I can say now that most of my serious relationships suffered because I was unsure on how to balance my crazy work life with my personal life. But we as women aren't really taught how to do that. What is the #1 thing that most African American mother's tell their daughters...."Make sure you NEVER get yourself in a place where you have to depend on a man to support you." I know my mother always told me if you want something in life then you work hard so that you can afford to get it yourself. Yet this "Independent Woman" mindset that has been handed down seems to have helped us become stronger women yet it has kept many of us (ESPECIALLY MYSELF) from being able to really open up and actually allow a man to do the things and be the man that God has already destined him to be. Now don't get me wrong I am so thankful for my mother instilling the drive that she did in me because if she hadn't I truly do not know where I would be today. That drive is what got enabled me to pick myself up after being left 6 months pregnant by my daughter's father to raise our child on my own. Not knowing how or what I was going to do. Feeling as if I was lost and hopeless without him to help me. But that drive is what gave me the strength to work and work to make sure my child was fed....clothed...had a roof over her head, and any/everything she could ever want. In today's society many take the easy way out and just let the government take care them. But I refused to allow myself to be a statistic. I made a way out of no way, and I haven't looked back since. While working so hard nurturing the many hats and obligations I had I failed to realize that my one track mindset had been taking its toll on all of my personal relationships. 

I pride myself on being upfront with anyone that I start dating on how limited my time is, and how I have I'm swaying from my priorities. At first things are good and the seeing each other every now and then is okay, but once the feelings really start to form that is when the issue of "when are you going to have time to see me" arises. With no hesitation my first instinct is I will fit you in when I can fit you in. But of course that will only suffice for so long. Eventually the relationship fades and I go back to square to 1....ME, MYSELF, & I! Then that good ole "Independent Woman" mentality would kick in and I attempt to justify my actions by telling myself as I can not allow myself to get in a vulnerable position with anyone again. 

As the years have went on I realized that most of the problem wasn't with the men who were trying to be with me but it was within me. See I failed to understand and see the bigger picture. Every time I made excuses of why I didn't have time to spend with my someone I was in reality fighting an internal issues. I had never realized how hurt I was when my daughter's father left the way he did. I didn't realize the HUGE wall that went up inside of me. I masked it by convincing myself that it was okay for me not to have a love life and if someone couldn't understand and respect my priorities then I didn't them. Believing that I didn't need anyone because I had my own and was perfectly content being a "INDEPENDENT WOMAN!" That was inevitably the WRONG concept. How could I ever expect anyone to understand and be there for me if I never truly gave them the opportunity to. It turned out that I really didn't know how to let someone in and give them that time and dedication it took to truly make a relationship work. All in all, as I have grown spiritually I realize that I have been my own worst enemy when it came to past relationships. Its okay to work hard and have your own, but it is also okay to make sure you make the time for those who make time for you.......

Sunday, January 8, 2012

"Lesson Learned"

In a recent conversation with one of  close friends and a very interesting topics arose...."How do you know when a woman has cut those emotional ties with a partner? Why do we continue to be the fool for the love? How long does it take to truly mend a broken heart? Does time really heal all wounds? " These topics really struck a cord with me. Especially since I recently realized that after 4 long years I am FINALLY truly over my last relationship. This is a very sensitive subject for me but in order to truly be free I have to be willing to talk about it without feeling any emotion from it.

Everyone wants to find that ultimate soul mate.....that one you can't live you without. Well I actually found that but as fate may have it the timing of it all just wasn't in the cards for us. In all honesty I have come to realize that it was destined to fail from the beginning simply because neither of us weren't completely honest with each other. And in all I have to take the blame for the start of this. See at that I was thinking by not telling him about a part of my past then he would not be able to have any nonjudgmental thoughts about me. Boy did I find out later down the road how wrong that was. 

We started out as great friends that quickly became even greater lovers. I thought I knew everything about him and he thought he knew everything about me. Little did we know that the other was still holding back so much. But of course instead of talking about my insecurities with the relationship I decided to keep them to myself and keep going as if everything was peachy perfect!  That was and has been one of biggest faults......NOT SPEAKING UP! Of course as humans we tend to not want to face the negative. Just sweep it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist...just hoping and thinking somehow it will just all disappear. I could see and feel us growing a part. So as we women so often do I started to blame myself. I tried to be there at every and beck and call for him. I tried to "open up" more by showing more of a softer side. But in actually I was making it to easy for him. No man wants something that he doesn't have to work for. And at that time I was too blind and too naive to realize to that. Which undoubtedly opened the door for him to cheat on me with the woman who was "a challenge" for him. 

Finally realizing that I had lost the one man that I had ever loved so deep hurt me to my core. It left me feeling as if I would never be able to love like that again. And as foolish as I was I thought if I ever got a 2nd chance I was going to do all I could to make sure THAT MAN WAS MINE! And as luck of the draw would have it.....he came back but under very different circumstances. I allowed myself to be "the other woman." Now we as women look at the "other woman" as a low down,scandalous,class less.....HOE! And truthfully that's exactly the role I was playing by being that "other woman." When I knew that was NOT the woman I was. But when you are so blinded by what you THINK you want and not what GOD WANTS FOR YOU you seem to put yourself in those type of situations A LOT! And Lord knows I put myself in them over and over and OVER trying to keep somebody that clearly did not want to be kept.....well at least not by me. I was so in denial that I didn't realize I was losing so much of who I was by chasing after this man. But its hard to get out of that mindset when he was telling me all of the things that I  want to hear from a man I'm in love with and knows he loves her just as much.  See even though he had a woman at home there was still this deep rooted connection we had to each other. Whenever we were around each other it was if this magnetic force drew into each other. Not just sexually but we were as one. We moved as one...we thought as one.....we just made each other feel complete. This time around things seemed to be so much easier. We were completely open and honest. He truly became my best friend and I became his. As much as time as we spent together or on the phone it was almost as if he "she" wasn't even in the picture. I began to believe that my one true love was coming back to me just as I had imagined he would. From childhood we are sold on this fairy tale that if we find our prince charming we will undoubtedly end up living "happily ever after." I too was victim of living in this fantasy world. Walking on clouds...thinking that just by holding on a lil bit longer somehow love will swoop in and conquer all. YEAH RIGHT! Don't get me wrong he loved me. Boy did he love me. But we were too naive or too just too foolish to realize we were going about it in the wrong way. 

Once again going against my better judgment I agreed to fly off to Las Vegas with him for what was supposed to be a time for us to spend some one on one time together but turned out to be a Bachelor weekend for a mutual friend. After spending the first day locked away in my hotel room waiting for even a glimpse of him I was starting to realize that this was not about us at all. I was merely playing the role as the "vacation booty call." I finally demanded some time alone and to my surprise he had to sneak away to meet me. If this didn't raise a red flag what happened next surely did. I finally came out and asked him why I was really here and to give me an explanation. To my complete surprise on that Las Vegas strip at 3 a.m and he told me that he was planning on getting engaged and brought me here for one last hoorah before he went back home to move in and propose to his girlfriend. In an instant my heart sank. How could I be so stupid? So blind? But most of all how can you say you love someone and treat them they way that he had been treating me. Tears rushing...heart racing...panic attack happening I get to my room and just fall to the floor in agony. And of course right on cue he walks through the door and starts apologizing as he always does. What do I do....I fall for it yet again even though just moments before he told me he was getting engaged. In the midst of my tears and his apology we ended up making love in a way that you only see on the movies. So much passion to where he cried and I cried....but at the end I was not expecting him to say "This is it Ebony. I love you but I love her and I can't do this to her anymore...." As I saw him walk out that door I felt a pain in my soul that I had never felt before. I could literally hear my heart break into a million pieces.

By hitting rock bottom emotionally and spiritually that night it allowed me to see just how foolish I had been. How can such an educated woman allow herself to be made such a fool of? But what I had been blaming him for I should have been blaming myself. You see it took all of that for me to truly realize that "No one can put you in a situation like that if you don't allow them to." Everything he did was because he knew I would allow it. See I was not respecting myself therefore how was I ever suppose to think he would. We put ourselves in compromising positions because we try so hard to please other people. But losing who you are...losing your core values only hurts you in the end. It's only now that I am realizing that just because you may love someone with all your heart it does not mean you give up yourself to be with them or make them happy. The love that you feel should be reciprocated. And I've come to know understand that kind of deep,unconditional,soul stirring love is real. And now I know how to handle whenever it comes back into my life. Time has healed my wounds and time has allowed me to be able to grow & learn from my past mistakes. So many people go their whole lives without experiencing the type of love that I many search for that love and I was blessed enough to feel live it! And now that I have learned from it I am even more ready to receive it and reciprocate in the right way.....

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

*taps mic* IS THIS THING ON......

UUUHHH yeah so I have no idea what I am doing with this blog...but I figured what's more therapeutic than writing! Soooooo here's a lil look into the mind of Ebo!

 I know everyone hollas "New Year...New Me" but I call bulls*it every time I hear that! I've been guility of saying this but as I've gotten older I've come to realize there is no need to proclaim or completely try and change the "old you." How about stop lying to yourself and admit the necessary changes that need to made to the old you. THIS WAS THE HARDEST LESSON FOR ME TO LEARN! Admitting my faults to myself. But as I have grown I have to come to realize that that is the easy part. Actually changing those habits is what takes the hardest work.

But 2012 marks a milestone for me! YES, I am turning the BIG 3-0! *insert gasp* LOL! But as many women approach this age they start feeling as if their going down hill....losing value.....rushing because that biological clock is ticking. ME.....nuh uh! None of that! I am ready for it! I think leaving my 20s is the best thing that could happen to me! I have done and seen so many things so far in my life and I would not change any moment. I did all my foolishness in my 20s that you are suppose to do! BOY WAS THERE SOME FOOLISH TIMES....BUT VERY GREAT TIMES NONETHELESS! This next phase of my life brings with it so much opportunity and uncharted territory. Embracing getting older means you embrace the lifestyle change that comes along with it. Clubbing....yeah that is almost non-existent in my life! Its just something about sitting on my couch with a bowl of ice cream and Law & Order SVU on that intrigues me more than being out wiht a bunch of strangers in a hot..packed club! Shoot...I can get the same buzz hear the same music at home for FREE! And not have to worry bout any uninvited booty grabbing*WINK*

Going into this next phase as a single woman is a HUGE thing. I honestly didn't expect that but everything works itself out in its own time. My "dating" life...well to put it nicely.... SUCKS GIGANTIC MONKEY BALLS these past few years. BUT I have not given up hope on the dating scene. I have realized that my choice in men has been a little shitty to say the least.  At the end of the day I don't blame them for the outcome. I blame myself. See I was looking for something in another person that I could only give myself. We as women do this too many times. We can't expect another human to make us happy when we truly are not happy within ourselves. If we continue to entertain the same type of men then we shouldn't be surprised when we get the same result. And ladies...lets be real...if a man has that WERK we usually stick and around and put up with a bunch of BS that under any other circumstance we would have given him those walking papers long ago! I call this "BLINDED BY DA D!" It happens to the best of us. We finally wake up one day and think "WTF are you doing....why are you putting yourself in a situation that clearly is not the best for YOU!"  It's crazy how long it takes for that light bulb to finally cut the hell on for us sometimes. Looking back over some of my recent decisions I swear my electricity was cut off on my lights cuz DAMN it took it a long time for my light bulb to pop on! But I'm surely glad it did!

Woooooooo, ok I think that's enough for today! I must admit writing my thoughts out this way felt pretty darn good. I have so much more to discuss/express on my life! We shall do this again.....until next time BESOS!!!!